awake my soul
so i haven’t written on here for a while, and not because i’ve been meaning to but because i’ve never really found a reason to keep posting things that aren’t even .. i don’t even know..
these past couple of months or should i say this past year and a half have been nothing but ups and downs for me. i cant find myself to be as happy as i once was. and that alone is scaring me. i used to be such a cheerful, hyper girl. what happened to that? sure, i’ve always had my personal problems but never did i once let anyone see me cry, see me upset.. ask my parents if i once cried in front of them.. i was so good at hiding my emotions that i could just lock myself in my room and let the tears that needed to be shed run down my face and that would be the end of that. five minutes later i’d be fine, i’d be laughing again. i used to be so carefree, so up for anything. today i see that i didn’t take advantage of the good moments i’ve had. i didn’t cherish the moment like i was supposed to. i let it just slip right out of my hand. as for some of you may know, a year and a half ago i left my heart behind in Atlanta, Georgia. my laughter may be lost somewhere in that Forsyth County mess. the mess that i was so anxious to once leave.. oh how i was wrong… i’d do anything to get the memories i had in that damn county. today, i find myself sad, blue, always thinking negative, angry at the world. angry at my parents for making me live in this piece of shit place. so what if it was a move due to financial problems? i was so content even with those financial problems. so what if my parents finally have their own business here? today, i see that money really does not buy happiness. you could laugh at that quote all you want… i wish to do so many things still, i wish to accomplish so many goals i’ve once set for myself.. i know i can achieve anything i set my mind to. i just need to find happiness again. i need to find the Barbara i once was. the Barbara who never thought doing stupid shit, like ending her life.
i miss my old life, i miss my friends, i miss my best friend, Ansley. GOD, how i miss her. i would not trade all the parties, clubs, bars, in the world for the nights we would have with our sleepovers, just sitting in our room, both of us with our laptops open, both of us silent then all of the sudden we’d burst out laughing. ha i miss our goofy moments when we’d be just sitting there and one of us spits out ”i have to fart” and let one rip.. haha we would dedicate our whole entire year based on shows and events and that was perfectly fine. we are not and never were the kind of best friends that are always writing on each other’s wall saying stuff like ‘OMG YOU ARE LIKE MY BEST FRIEND FOR EVER!’. to me, that is the most fake shit any girl could do. you notice that those girls are usually the girls who get a best friend every other week.. i did not only gain a best friend but a sister. and i know that no matter how far we may be from each other or how little we speak that she’ll always be there for me when i need her. and i’ll always be here for her when she needs me. basically , ”i’d swim the ocean for her” .. hahaha ansley, if you’re reading this you will probably laugh out loud. but just know i love you so fucking much and i miss you. and i cannot wait until i see you again…
the ONLY good thing that came out of this whole Brazil ordeal is that i found this boy, this boy that is basically a boy version of me ( and ansley too because we’re basically twins if she were a boy i’d probably date Mansley) we are so much alike that it seriously scares me. His name is Felipe, and even though we may fight at times at the end of the day i cannot only call him my boyfriend, but my best friend. this thing we have is so strong, it’s so passionate, he really is the one and i hope to gosh that it’ll last forever. to put up with my crazy ass, he must be a keeper. how many times have i cursed him out and yelled at him. he just takes it like a champ. he calms me down, he gives me my space to breathe until i’m okay. and oh boy, how he tends to get a laugh out of me even when i’m upset. WHEN DID I EVER imagine my parents allowing me to sleep over a boyfriend’s house or a boyfriend sleep over at my house? NEVER. WHEN DID I EVER imagine myself basically doing not so very lady like things in front of a boy? NEVER. for Gods sake i can sit there and be taking a shit while he brushes his teeth a couple of inches away from me… yeah, it’s gross but hey, this is me and i’m so thankful that me and him can be so open with each other. he recently went out of town to see if he can find a better paying job.. being away from him for a month almost two has been the hardest thing. i find myself always asking God why is he taking everything from me slowly.. why me? i’ve always done 110% to please everyone. can’t i just find happiness again?
so basically, i’m in this depressed mode all the time.. and people think that my life is perfect and blah blah.. no, i wrote this not being so certain if someone will actually read it but instead getting everything that i’ve been dealing with out. it’s time for the next chapter in my life. the chapter where i’m happy again with everyone, with everything. WITH LIFE. i’m ready to take over this world. God, i know you have awesome plans for me! bring it on with all you’ve got!
oxox
